My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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