Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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