Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
