Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
