Screwed.edu
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize