Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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