Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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