literally had 100 drinks last night.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
