Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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