I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
