dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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