I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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