Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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