ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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