Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
