He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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