I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
How's work?
Spinning.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
