someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
