I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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