2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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