why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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