And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
