she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
