My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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