If i come over, it means nothing
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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