Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
