I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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