he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
