if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
