when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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