I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize