Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
