I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize