i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
