My liver just broke up with me...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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