My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
