ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize