oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
