Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize