I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
