I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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