Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
