dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
