ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
