I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
