I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
