I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
