fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
