ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
