my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I wear drunk well.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
