my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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