elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
