just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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