My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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