Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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