it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
