I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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