Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
