Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
