This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
